Surviving Life's Curve Balls

SURVIVING LIFE'S CURVE BALLS

by: CAROL WIEPERT

People don't come with instruction books or warranties at birth. Both must be sought and/or learned as we venture through life on our way to maturity and understanding.

Sometimes you get "IT" by the time you become an adult. Other times, you must back track and relearn what you missed along the way. The only "guarantee" you get in life is simple. The exact moment you become proud of yourself and you're convinced you've got life mastered, life throws you a hard and fast curve ball! As an adult, one should never fall into the mistaken philosophy "you can't teach an old dog new tricks." You can. Only you can decide whether you are willing to embrace your own imperfections or stumble blindly through life in misery. There is a distinct difference between becoming a survivor OR remaining a victim. Even that is a choice.

Every day is an opportunity to learn something new. Like it or not, we all share air space on this earth. Each day brings a new challenge, and with it a new choice to make. We can value each other and each day we have been given or choose not to. None of us will ever reach perfection and the sooner we learn that about our selves and others, the sooner life becomes more ordered and peaceful.

There are times in life we get thrown a curve ball, and more often than not, the ball is headed straight for your forehead at 90 mph! In a split second you must decide whether to catch it or avoid it, live or die. After all, if you don't do anything, you'll be cold cocked and down on the ground in an instant! Fortunately, instinct usually kicks in so you jump for the ball, hoping to avoid injury and praying you've practiced enough to catch it before it nails you.

Avoidance is rarely a possibility because curve balls always come from nowhere when you least expect it. After you've fielded a few of those suckers, and even if you don't play ball, you eventually learn that it's probably a good idea to keep a catcher's mitt handy "just in case"! While others will scoff at you for carrying that cumbersome mitt around everywhere you go, be both patient and brave because next time, you are the one who ends up standing when the next curve ball comes out of the blue.

If life was a sport and you missed the ball, it's expected that you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go on with the game (provided you don't have brain damage). You'd be hurt, you might even laugh it off, but you most likely would not cry about it, since it's just a game and you knew the risks.

But life is NOT a sport, and sometimes, you aren't strong enough to stand up once you've been knocked down. Sometimes, even though you tried your best, you still get cold cocked and you lay there on the ground in a daze wondering where in the heck it came from! Sometimes your team mates (players in life) will assist, and sometimes they'll laugh at you because you were caught off guard. Either way, you should keep that mitt handy! If nothing else, maybe it will provide a soft place to land.

From the moment we are born, our lives are inextricably intertwined with others and regardless of what we tell ourselves, no man/woman is an island. We do, IN FACT, need each other to survive. (See Hidden Hollow article on "Seasons/Reasons" which was what got me going on this week's rant. LOL!)

Once we reach maturity, we have (hopefully) learned how to get along with others without becoming enmeshed in the "Guilt Trap" and losing sight of our own needs. We've learned that life is rarely fair, you have to endure ugliness to appreciate beauty, life is not easy, you earn everything that you get and you are not the center of anyone's universe except your own (which is as it should be). The latter is the part that is most difficult to grasp because we all have an innate need for acceptance and nurturing. Until we accept ourselves and our own shortcomings, well.... you know the drill... you just gotta' deal!

By adulthood, we've learned how to weigh our needs against the needs of others. Sometimes we must humble ourselves. Others, in order to survive, we must take a stand for what we believe is morally right even when we are alone with our opinion. Often, we aren't sure where the boundary lines are or how to mend our fences. On occasion, without the help of others, we are too tired or emotionally spent to deal with those curve balls that just seem to keep coming our way. Enter the age old dilemma of "Guilt vs. Survival." What DO you do?

Life is a series of non-ending, sometimes mind boggling choices. The one thing that is true and static is that you will be faced with difficult choices until the day you die. How you handle those choices, the boundaries and/or battles you pick, and how you deal with others dictates your quality of life. In short, the very best love you can experience comes from within you, not from others.

Love of self is like a shining beacon to others in your life. People want to bask in that light, they want to feel it. When you turn from the light you are facing darkness. Would you follow someone into darkness or would you follow someone toward the light?

If you make the mistake of depending on others to fulfill all your needs, expect to be disappointed. However, if you learn to love your "self" first, the most miraculous thing happens. You find peace, contentment and self-respect. There's also an added bonus! After a while, you find people "seem" to love you a little more, they tend to gravitate too you, instead of away from you. They, in turn, develop healthier boundaries and actually show you more respect and/or courtesy. It's all in the example you set for yourself and then the good things seem to naturally follow. That doesn't mean that life gets any easier, it just means you can accept the challenges without emotional endangerment. "Caring" for yourself relieves others of the burden of "carrying" you. Once relieved of said burden, they can relax and enjoy rather than resent you for daring to have needs.

In life, you get what you give. Contrary to popular opinion, being selfish is not a "bad" thing. It is a healthy thing! My mother used to tell me, "If you don't love yourself, why should anyone else? Anything less and you make yourself a target." Couple that with sage words of wisdom my dear friend P.K. Karpinski told me over 25 years ago, BEFORE it was "popular" to put myself first, "Selfish" is not a bad word. In fact, it is necessary for survival!"

While in it's simplistic form, being selfish and caring for yourself is a fairly good philosophy, it's subject to abuse on many levels. On one side, you're on your own, on the other, you are subject to the use/abuse of others if you're not careful. Let's face it. None of us are prefect. (Yes, I know it's misspelled, I'm not perfect yet, remember?)

Detecting and maintaining a healthy balance is, in and of itself, a true challenge. Humans have a tendency to get so wrapped up in their own problems that they either lose sight of the needs of others or they get careless. Putting this particular "ism" to work requires strong boundaries, compassion for others, and finding a healthy balance.

That's what being selfish is all about. Loving yourself enough to just say "No!" even when you know with every fiber in your being it would be easier to give in to someone who is challenging you, your ethics, your sense of justice or your morals. If you have healthy boundaries, you realize there are times you must walk alone until others see where you're going or give up trying to change you (that can be a daunting and exhausting task). At some point, once you have discovered that balance, you'll find more and more people getting on your train and coming along for the ride.

Think of it like this, you want to take a cruise Tahiti. You want to drive your car to the cruise ship so you can enjoy a mini vacation on the way. You ask a significant other (SO) to join you. Your SO gets car sick but will go on an airplane. You are deathly afraid of airplanes. Neither of you likes trains. You are at a Mexican Stand-off. How can you possibly enjoy Tahiti together with this obstacle? The answer, rather than debating endlessly about how you'll get to the same point (you both have valid objections), you take the car and your SO takes a plane. You both arrive at the same time to take the same cruise together.

If YOU know where you are going (in life) and you aren't afraid to walk alone, you can savor and enjoy the journey. One of the precious gifts of life is realizing that while relationships are generally headed in the same direction, it's okay to take the scenic route and join forces when you meet again.

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